Lately I have been struggling with coming up with any ideas that I felt were worthy of developing into a blog post. I have no big events coming up that I am training for and am really just riding to maintain my sanity. I began writing this post several days ago and then life hopped in and I “forgot” about it and put it to the side. Last night something happened that triggered me to want to continue this particular post.
“When in doubt, pedal it out.” I am more than certain that I should be crediting that fantastic one liner to someone brilliant but I have no clue who first said it so I’ll just go with that it wasn’t me that came up with it…
I found myself driving in the car the other day when it felt as if a proverbial brick hit me in the face… I had the sudden realization that I am 36 (even though I’ve been 36 since June). I started to panic thinking that I was now closer to 40 than I was to 20 or even 30. I began to ask myself (literally out loud) what the hell I had to show for it. My life had not gone as I had planned it to… EVER. I was able to calm myself and stuff down the emotions associated with this horrendous realization simply by telling myself that I would consider this in more depth on my next ride. Riding is, of course, where I ponder life’s great mysteries or where I decide what I am doing for dinner… whatever.
The next ride came and think about it, I surely did. I began to think about all the things that I DO have in my life for which I have to be thankful rather than dwelling on those that I don’t have. I thought about my kids, my good health, the fact that I have the ability to ride as much as I do, my home which I own, the wonderful support system that I have built around me, and my amazing family. Thing is, I know all those things and yet I still experienced the anxiety that I had felt in the car the other day. I began to think about the things I had planned for myself in my life and the way life had instead dealt me its own version of a plan for me. I decided to focus on the saying that “everything happens in its own due time.” I also started to consider that, I am exactly where I should be at this exact moment in time.
That is where I left off writing and actually the same line of thinking is what brings me back to finish writing this specific post.
Recently, I have been struggling with managing my anxiety, whether it be in direct relation to something going on in my life or even in relation to absolutely nothing that I could pinpoint at all. Riding is my natural outlet to manage all sorts of emotions and the way that I keep myself level and grounded. I have learned to lean heavily on my riding over the last two years but I have also been actively working on making changes to the baseline thoughts that drive the anxiety I experience. One would assume that this would be a simple process for someone whose entire career is dedicated to teaching others to do this very thing. It is, in fact, one of the most difficult feats to accomplish. Our thoughts are truly the beginning to everything we are and I know that if I can focus on changing them then I can change so many pertinent things in my life.
There is a quote that I often refer to when talking to the kids I work with about how to make changes in their lives:
“Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
I think I have reached a point in my life where I have finally realized that I don’t have control over much and that I need to relinquish my desire to control the uncontrollable (shocking, I know). Something happened last night that was once again a stark reminder that,
I am exactly where I should be at this exact moment in time.
That, most of my anxiety is driven by fear that is unfounded and by my propensity to overthink things. I am working on focusing myself in the ‘here and now’ and living the life that I have in the precise moment in which I am. There is something truly freeing in this way of thinking, similar to the freedom that I feel while I am out on the road. I find that I have to actively tell myself this and sometimes work even harder to believe it. But, I know that the brain needs to be exercised just like the body that I use to power my bike. The more I exercise all of me, the happier, healthier, and more grounded I will feel. So here’s to exercising all of me all the way closer to 40 and then waaaaaay beyond that. Oh Lord, here comes the anxiety again… I really don’t wanna be 40 and, at this moment, I don’t even wanna adult anymore. 🙂
“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life
The sound of the wind rushing through my ears.
The sound of the road crunching under my spinning tires.
The sound of the creaks and cracks that let me know that it’s my bike.
The sound of the chain going round and round as I pedal.
The sound of the cars whizzing by.
The sound of the birds chirping in the trees.
The sound of other animals moving deeper into the woods as I pass by.
The sound of the tall grass swishing in the wind.
The sound of my breath as it comes and goes.
The sound of silence in my mind.
The sound of the peace that has once again returned to my soul.
I’m back home.
“The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.” –George Bernard Shaw
For the last two years of my life I have dealt with a crazy series of ups and downs in all facets of my life (relationships, family, health, work, etc). However, no matter what was going on in my life, the one constant that always brought me solace and peace was cycling. It didn’t matter what up or down I was going through, the road was my sanctuary and free from anything external. It was as if, for the most part, the emotions of my everyday life just had no place out on the rides with me. Cycling truly was my heaven on Earth, until recently that is…
For the last week I have been dealing with something in my personal life that made me feel as if the air was sucked out of me. I am not even 100% sure why this situation hit me so hard but it did and my heart feels like it is quite literally broken into tiny pieces. I have racked my brain to try and process what made this hit me the way it did and I haven’t come up with much of an answer. I kept thinking that, if I keep riding, at least that time would be free from the emotional pain that has lodged itself deep into my being. I was wrong; boy was I ever wrong… The pain and the heartache have followed me right on to the road and infiltrated my safe place in a big way.
It is such a disheartening feeling to wake up on ride days and not want to get up and ride… Cycling was the one thing out of everything in my life that I always woke up looking forward to doing. I still make myself get up (earlier than usual) and I have been making myself ride further even on weekdays hoping that something will click into place but it hasn’t. There is this terror inside of me that the joy that I felt on my bike is gone. I can’t bring myself to believe that it’s gone; actually I won’t allow myself to believe that. My whole 30 mile ride this morning was full of a blankness of feeling of some sort, not the good kind of peaceful blankness but a sort of confused and lost blankness.
Those who know me know that I don’t do well with not knowing things but, unfortunately, that is all that I am left with. I keep hoping that it was all a nightmare that I will soon wake from and that I will go back to feeling good and happy but I know that isn’t the case. I find myself praying a whole lot more these days too… There is a constant repetition of Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” in my head. Logically I know that I have overcome so many bigger things and so much emotional pain to rise above but the emotions I feel now are fresh and the wounds are wide open and trying to tell myself logical things doesn’t help heal/close up those wounds any quicker. Apparently, not even riding can do that right now…
But still I ride… I ride in hopes that I will feel better or that I will feel anything other than lost and confused really. I ride continuing to hope that eventually clarity will strike or that eventually the pain will lift off my heart and once again allow me to be free, to be the me I had come to be. I ride to be one with the thing that had become my passion, my soul’s savior. Instinctively I know that the storm does not last forever and that eventually the rainbow will appear in the sky but, for right now, only clouds are visible in the distance. I may have lost my mojo for a moment but I know that it is not gone forever and that I will overcome and persevere as I have always done in life.
“Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.” -Langston Hughes
There’s something special about riding in the rain… Even when the rain is aggravatingly pelting your eyes, it still isn’t aggravating for some reason. The rain is peaceful and serene and calming and cleansing. The rain feels like it’s washing me clean of all my transgressions while simultaneously kicking up dirt to make my body filthy. The rain makes me remember things and simultaneously forget them. It is such a strange sensation. I seem to forget that I am soaked and dripping and miserable and just keep pedaling and feeling free…
“Sight is a function of the eyes, vision a function of the heart… Vision sets you free from the limitations of what the eyes can see and allows you to enter into the liberty of what the heart can feel. Never let your eyes determine what your heart believes.”
~Excerpt “The Principles and Power of Vision” Myles Munroe
We set off on Sunday morning (May 17, 2015) for South Carolina at the early hour of 7am, my brain was a mess and I was sure that I had forgotten something vital to my upcoming ride. Finally, I let the thought go because repeatedly going over and over everything I had packed in my mind was useless and a pointless waste of good energy. My brain had so many other things to worry and fret over… I decided that sleep would be the best option and so that’s what I did for a very large portion of our 8 hour northbound adventure.
Upon arriving to the hotel, we saw gorgeous bikes everywhere we turned. Seeing all the beautiful bikes was a stark reminder that my bike would surely be the least fancy at the ride the next day. This is both a curse and a joyous reminder of my achievements. You see, while all the people around me would mount their beautiful (and super light) carbon bikes with amazing components I would be hopping on to my trusty aluminum (much heavier) bike with its not so fantastic components. If you don’t ride then this fact probably doesn’t mean much to you but what it means to me is that I would have to work infinitely harder to achieve the same goal as them, therefore making me that much more of a bad ass (or idiot, you choose).
The rest of Sunday was pretty uneventful; we spent some time at the pool, I ate a huge meal at Fuddruckers, and Steve (my coach) asked me 957 times if I was ready for Monday. Of course I replied no 956 times and yes once to make it stop. I also explained to him that we were going to have shots at the bar following our glorious completion of the ride to which he repeatedly reminded me of my propensity towards falling asleep after long rides and how this one was much longer than any I had previously done. I ignored him and proceeded to sing “shots, shots, shots, shots” (a tune you hopefully know and a fact you should keep in your mind for later because, hint, it’s important).
Before going to sleep we prepared everything we would need to be ready for the morning so we could wake up, eat, and ride out to the start line. This was an especially spiritual time for me because I had to figure out the best placement for a Valentine’s card that Jimmy had given me with roses the year before. This card had so many meanings for me; not only was my first century ride dedicated to his memory but it was certain to be my inspiration along my long journey to the top of the mountain. I had been planning this for a bit but I wasn’t really prepared for the emotions that washed over me. It was so hard to see his handwriting on something and not think of the promise that his life had held and the pain that his untimely death had left in its wake. Nonetheless, I kept myself together and placed it where it would not interfere with everything else that I needed for the ride.
Morning came after a very restless sleep and, just as we had planned; we woke up at 5am, ate, threw the last few things together and made our way towards the start line. Even as I sit here writing and recounting the day, I feel the same flutter of emotions within me. I am not sure if the emotion was doubt or fear or anxiety or excitement or what really. I can tell you that it felt as if my heart was floating to the top of my throat and that I was surely going to vomit. There aren’t many words to describe what it feels like to know that you are about to set out on a 103 mile journey for the very first time ever. I kept switching between looking down at Jimmy, looking up to God, and looking over at Steve; my mind was flying with thoughts. I tried to look around and take in everything going on around me but it was hard to do with all that was going on in my mind. As the time approached, Steve began to give me my last-minute instructions. “Be careful at the start because most crashes happen there, we need to move and get with a good group so that we can make everything on time, we are going to pass the first two stops and it will be ok, make sure you drink plenty of water, no flat tires…” There was probably more that he said but I didn’t hear it. All I could respond with was “I will follow you, just lead me where you want me to go…” The time counted down and we were off.
The start was indeed a mess but not as bad as I assumed it would be. I did see a guy that blew a tire right at the start and my heart sunk for him but I had to focus on my journey today and leave his behind. We moved in and out and around slower people and were able to join a nice large group. We were moving at a good pace and I felt good so I was able to settle in and stick close to Steve’s back tire. In the crowd, I heard a familiar voice and realized that it was a guy that I had ridden next to for a bit during my Assault on the Carolinas ride just a few weeks ago. We chatted for a bit but it was difficult for me to focus and make small talk so I moved away and dug in to my journey. I became comfortable in the group and we rode, I had no idea how fast we were going or where we were in the journey but I decided to trust the process. We passed the first rest stop at mile 23 as planned and continued on. I was feeling really good and when Steve made a move towards the front of the pack, I promptly followed suit.
Then, it happened… One of the things that I was dreading… I started to get dropped, no matter how hard I was pumping I was losing speed and then I lost the group. Steve noticed and dropped off too. My immediate reaction was to blame him because I had tried to follow him to the front and then I felt it and I knew… I shouted out to him to check my tire and sure enough, to our chagrin, it was flat. We were about to head into a downhill and it wasn’t blown so I decided that we should continue on. As soon as we came off the downhill (around mile 39), it was done and needed to be changed. Steve decided that he would do it because he was faster than me but, of course, given my strained relationship with the universe it wasn’t going to be that simple. We couldn’t wedge the tire off despite an extensive amount of cursing and ranting. When we finally got it off, Steve wanted to just throw a new tube in but I knew better and I checked the tire. Upon inspection, I found my arch nemesis, the eternal thorn in my side… a piece of radial wire. Seeing as though this is a common occurrence for me I have, on many occasions, proclaimed that I was going to put tweezers in my bike bag. But, despite all my talk, I had not. I yanked the wire out with my teeth as Steve looked on in horror. (You see, we had to move, we had already watched two more big groups pass us and we knew that we were losing precious time). I continued to check the tire and found yet another piece of wire, this one significantly smaller than the first and I was unable to pull it out quite as fast. We fought with it to push it through to get it close enough for me to yank out with my precious teeth. While struggling with the second piece, a SAG motorcycle came by and called for a mechanic. Prior to the mechanic arriving, I was able to get it out. We let the mechanic pump up the tire and they assured us that more groups were coming that we could join. We set off yet again and seeing my face, Steve assured me that we were ok, we would find another group, and that we had been making good time with our pace of 20mph until my tire blew.
We kept riding and continued past the rest stop at mile 43 but couldn’t seem to find another good, solid group of riders. It was evident at this point that the rest of the way would be up to us to complete without the benefit of others to draft off of. Around mile 44 there is a dangerous curve that Steve started telling me as we passed the last rest stop. It is one thing to have someone tell you but quite another to see all the crazy blinking, noisy signs and feel the terror when riding into it despite knowing that you are being careful and probably won’t crash. We continued on and so did the rolling hills. I still felt good and was pushing myself to move so we could still make all of the timing points that Steve had told me about. My mind wasn’t struggling, my body still felt good, and every time I looked down Jimmy was still with me. We stopped at the rest stop at mile 48 for a quick water fill up and potty break. We headed out again and were still making good time when we came upon road construction and were forced to stop by the road crew. This may not seem like a big deal but losing 7 minutes standing in the road is bad… It’s bad for the timing points you have set for yourself and it’s bad for your body which is now having the opportunity to remember that it should be sore. I could feel the beginning of cramps and tried my best to hydrate and also slam down Gatorade chew after Gatorade chew.
We finally were able to take off again and made it to the rest stop at mile 65 with little other adversity. My mind started to think about how incredibly easy the ride had been thus far and I knew there would be a catch at some point. As we continued on, I was reminded of the weather updates that we had been watching which the predicted 50-60% chance of thunderstorms. I looked around at the beautiful, yet hot, day and was thankful that the weatherman was wrong (or was he?). We rolled into the Marion stop at mile 74 at 11:39am (5:09:00 into the ride) about 20 minutes ahead of our planned schedule. Steve’s parents were there cheering for us and videotaping our arrival. I was pumped, super hyped up, and all smiles. I felt great and upon realizing that I had just set a new distance PR for myself, I was ready to go and finish out the rest of this ride. Steve grabbed a rain vest thing from his parents in case it started raining for which I made fun of him because the day was gorgeous and there wasn’t a rain cloud in sight. (Remember my precarious relationship with the universe? Yeah, you can see where this is going). We filled up, said bye to his parents, and took off again. I was truly feeling amazing and as if I could conquer the world.
As we set off, Steve kept asking if I wanted the truth about the rest of the ride to which I consistently answered no. (He still tells me anyways.) He told me that after the next rest stop, things were going to get much harder. We made a quick stop at the mile 82 rest stop and he again reminded me that the next 5 mile ascent was probably the hardest on the ride. As soon as we left the rest stop the rain began falling on us. The weather got bad very, very quickly as did the course we were on. The steepness was incredible and the amount that I had to pump my legs to equal the speed of a land tortoise crossing the road was nothing short of amazing in a very terrible way. My mind began to rip at the seams and my body started to cramp in places that I never realized could cramp. I wanted to cry or scream or both. I kept pumping, praying, and talking to every person that I have loved and lost in my life begging them to push me forward. I kept looking at Jimmy’s words taped to my bike and telling him that we were going to make it to the top no matter what the cost, we would make it. Steve clearly saw the pain and doubt across my face and he slowed to ride next to me. He asked me how I was doing and all I could do was muster an awful look in his direction. This is where the fun started… He asked if I was ready for “shots, shots, shots, shots” as he sang and bounced on his bike. I couldn’t not laugh, he had yanked me from the darkness in my mind and all I could do was laugh. Steve is not the sing songy type which just made the situation all the more entertaining. I think I told him once that I wanted to stop and he simply told me, no. So we didn’t, we kept pushing, riding, and we didn’t stop (neither did the rain) until we got to the rest stop at mile 87. I kept thinking that if I had just pushed through the toughest ascent then the rest of the ride would be a piece of cake… Wrong. As we arrived at the rest stop, cold and wet, I proclaimed that what we had just ridden was THE. WORST. FIVE. MILES. OF. MY. ENTIRE. LIFE.
We rolled in to the mile 87 rest stop at 1:40pm again ahead of the schedule that Steve had set for us. This was the key stop in the ride because it was slightly downhill from the entrance of the Blue Ridge Parkway. Ride rules state that if you aren’t on the parkway by 3pm, you can’t continue in the ride. So, we were golden and would certainly have the opportunity to continue on. I looked down at Jimmy and quietly assured him (and myself) that we would definitely be finishing this journey. Steve let me rest a tiny bit longer at this stop and the rain let up when we got there as well. We talked to some of the other cyclists that were there about the terribly miserable previous 5 mile ascent and then about the apparently almost as awful 6 mile ascent in front of us. We clicked on our lights (we would encounter two tunnels on the parkway ahead of us) and set off again.
Despite how awful the previous 5 miles were, it was the next 6 miles that would test every facet of my heart, mind, and soul. The next 6 miles almost broke my psyche in ways that I didn’t know possible. My body hurt and was cramping everywhere, the thunder was deafening, the rain torrentially poured down on top of us, the lightning was blindingly bright, the wind was blowing, and the fog was rolling in. The rain literally looked like a river pouring down the road. We not only had to contend with working against the wind as we climbed the steep ascent but we also had to contend with the force of the water that was pushing against us as we continued to roll upwards. If there was ever a point in the ride where I wanted to quit, this was it. The rain was blinding as it pelted my eyes and all I wanted to do was stop pedaling. I was doing everything I could to not cry but I don’t think I was as successful as in the previous 5 miles. I again began to call on Jimmy, my grandparents, and everyone else that I believed was an angel by my side to help me. I begged. Begged for them to push me, begged for God to make the rain stop, begged my body to stop cramping, begged myself not to quit. Steve tried several times to ask how I was doing and drop in the “are you ready for shots, shots, shots” but it wasn’t quite as effective as before because I was angry and tired and freezing. I wanted it to stop, all of it. I asked Steve repeatedly if he knew how close we were to the next stop but he didn’t know which made me angrier because, to me, if I knew how far I had to go then I could will myself to get there. A couple passed us and as they rode by I asked them. “About 1.5 more miles to the next stop.” they said. I told myself that I could do that. An infinite amount of time later, another man was passing and I asked him too… 1 more mile he said. 1 more mile!! It had been forever since the couple passed us, I told myself. There was no way that there was still another mile to go and no way that I could keep going for another mile. My mind needed a break and I called out to Steve that I needed to stop. To my surprise he called back, ok. What?!?!?!?!? He is the one that is supposed to tell me no!! One would think that given permission, I would stop. Nope.
I started to think about the chapter of a book, Aspire: Discovering Your Purpose Through the Power of Words by Kevin Hall, that I had just read to the kids I work with on the Friday before the ride. The chapter was titled Sapere Vedere (meaning ‘knowing how to see’) and talked about the importance of visualization on our life’s path. Ever since reading them the chapter, I had begun to visualize my own century ride journey; what it would look like at the top and how it would feel to stand atop the highest peak east of the Mississippi just having ridden 103 miles to get there. At this very moment on our journey, when all I wanted was to pull over and make it all stop, I again began to visualize the end of this journey. I began to remind myself of how it would feel and what it would look like. I reminded myself of the promise that I made to Jimmy that we would make it to the top together. I was reminded of a quote I had seen that morning on Instagram, “breathe in confidence, breathe out doubt” and I began to repeat it to myself as I began to breathe in and out. Every time we turned a corner, I shouted out to Steve to ask if he could see the rest stop ahead. Many times, repeatedly, the answer was no. I kept trying to breathe in and out but soon I resorted to my more callous and less lady like coping skill of cursing aloud A LOT. I again reached a moment when my body wanted to shut down and I literally began to think that my body was going to quit on me if I didn’t stop. I again began to toy with the idea of stopping but at that precise moment we turned another corner and Steve threw up a thumb and shouted that he could see it. I wanted to weep at the sight of his thumb but I had no energy to do anything but push through the rest of the way to the stop. The last man that had passed us had been wrong about the distance ahead and, had I given in to the doubt that had covered my mind, I would’ve stopped only to start again and realize just how close we had really been to the next stop. I was less mad at the man and much more proud of my ability to push through the pain and misery that had engulfed my entire being. In Aspire, Kevin Hall writes “it’s been said that vision is what we see when we close our eyes. We have to see it before we can be it. ‘Dream lofty dreams,’ wrote James Allen. ‘And as you dream so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be.’” My purpose, my dream, my vision was to complete this journey so that I could truly see myself as the cyclist that I know I am. I could see it, I could feel it, and, despite the all the adversity the weather was carrying with it, I knew I would become the dream I had envisioned.
We made it to the rest stop at mile 93, I was exhausted and miserable. I was the most miserable that I had ever been in my entire life and I really began to wonder what it was that drove me to do insane things like this ride. There are a few things that stuck out about this rest stop… One of the first things I encountered at this stop was an older volunteer under the tent who was holding a tiny dry towel in her hand. She had just wiped off the face of another female rider next to me and asked if I wanted my face dried off. I am sure that I looked at her like she was crazy because I kind of thought that she was. What was a tiny towel and a dry face going to do for me when my entire body was soaked to the bone and shivering from the cold? She kept insisting and I knew she was going to keep insisting so I gave in. The feeling was, in fact, wondrous. I don’t know what it was that made it so amazing, that my face was dry and seemingly warm or the charity that I felt when she wiped my face. I thanked her profusely and then found myself wishing that I could dry my whole body with the tiny towel so it could feel like my face. I began to find a semblance of laughter inside again which I knew was a very good thing.
Another thing that stuck out for me at this stop were amount of people that were quitting (there was a line of people waiting under a tent for SAG vehicles to take them the rest of the way to the top). I didn’t understand (I still don’t) how someone could be so close and give up. To this day, this is one of the things that resonates in my mind because I don’t give up, I don’t fail, especially when I am that close to what I want. I talked to a couple cyclists that were considering quitting because the weather was just too bad and I told them that they shouldn’t, I reminded them that we had all come this far and that the top was only a short distance away. I willed them to continue and I am not sure if I was willing them to continue or willing myself to. We also discussed the upcoming 2 mile downhill piece that I was completely dreading. This may be the only time in my life that you will ever hear me say that I did not want to go downhill. It wasn’t so much the thought of how dangerous the road was thanks to the weather or because going downhill only meant that there was that much more to climb (again), but it was more so because I was so cold that the thought of the wind hitting my body made me feel that much more chilled to the bone.
I had a couple cookies and then Steve began to hound me about leaving the rest stop. I began to whine and reminded him that before the ride he told me that after mile 87, we could rest longer and take our time. He continued to hound me about leaving and I continued to whine about staying which went on for several minutes. I knew that I wasn’t going to win the battle so we started to move towards our bikes and the exit of the rest stop when we heard a terrible crashing noise. I asked Steve what he thought it was and he looked at me with a puzzled glance. I heard someone say that it was probably thunder but I knew better because we had, after all, been consistently listening to the crashing sound of the thunder for several hours now. We tried to ignore it and as we were about to move, we heard someone say that they believed that there had been a rock slide up ahead. Steve wanted to leave despite this knowledge and I wanted to wait a minute to get confirmation. Finally I gave in because I began to worry that, if there had indeed been a rock slide, the ride might be stopped due to the severe weather conditions. Like I said before, I don’t fail and unlike the 20 or so people in line to catch a ride to the top, I wasn’t going out like that. We rode off before anyone could say anything and maybe 1000 feet from the exit of the rest stop, there it was. There were small boulders and rocks littering the road while a crew worked feverishly to clean it all up. We weaved through the rocks and continued on. It began to dawn on me that my whining had saved us from getting caught in the rock slide. We had missed it by 5 minutes and the thought, although scary, was the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t stop shivering and the rain was again pelting me in the face. My face was no longer warm and dry.
As we got closer to the downhill portion, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to rip off my gloves because of how cold my hands were. Despite wanting to, I had no time to because the downhill was upon us so I shouted to Steve that I was going to stop to take them off after the downhill but I’m not sure he heard me. The downhill was terrifying and not in a thrilling, living on the edge sort of way, it was just deathly terrifying. I couldn’t keep my eyes open because the rain was hitting my eyes so hard and my whole body was trembling from the cold so my bike was also shaking. I rode the brakes the whole way down and I kept thinking that this might really be what takes me out. When you start to have those thoughts, it’s hard not to feel guilty and selfish for wanting to do something like this in the first place. The thoughts didn’t last long because the cold was too overpowering to think about anything else. The descent was fast despite riding the brakes and as soon as we started to climb again, I ripped the gloves off with my teeth and shoved them in my back pocket. My hands were still cold but they felt infinitely better so I kept riding. I caught up to Steve and saw a not so happy look on his face. When I asked what was wrong, he said that we needed to stop because he thought there was something wrong with his bike. We pulled over at a beautiful overlook as the rain began to slow to a drizzle. While Steve looked over his bike, I took in some of the beautiful view (the steam coming off the mountains made them kind of look like chimneys). I asked if he figured out what was wrong with it and he said it didn’t look like there was anything wrong and that he thought that he must’ve been so cold and shaking so violently that the bike was shaking too and it just hadn’t felt right. We laughed and talked about the cold for a couple seconds, took some time to snap a couple pictures, and again rode off.
The time between our stop at the overlook and the final rest stop at mile 101 (there was another rest stop in between at mile 99) kind of blends together for me so I will do my best to describe them as accurately as possible. The sun came out at one point and I remember talking to Steve about my hopes that the sun would stay out for when we finished so that I would get to see the beautiful view from the top. Unfortunately, the sun didn’t stay out for more than a few minutes and the wind and rain continued on. I believe that the mile 99 rest stop had Coke which tasted heaven sent at that point. I believe it was also at mile 99 that we encountered another rider who looked about as spent as I did. He was an African-American gentleman (whom I later learned was from Augusta, Ga) that looked like he spends lots of time in the gym. He had an upper body that could rival that of a body builder. Despite his very muscular build, his face looked spent and we chatted about his thoughts about giving up. I again found myself talking about finishing the journey to convince both him and me that it was what we needed to do. I knew that it must be hell for someone so strong, upper body wise, to ride so very slow up a mountain. It is hard for me to balance myself when I ride that slowly and I am infinitely smaller than that guy. But he went on and so did we. I believe this was also the rest stop where one of the volunteers was a very cheery man with his dog cheering the riders on as they took off. It was actually quite humorous and uplifting to see how he cheered everyone before us off and then us when we left too.
About 1000ft or so after leaving the rest stop we encountered another man who I had exchanged deep sighs and miserable grunting noises with at previous stops sitting on the side of the road simply staring at his bike that was laying on its side. Cyclists are really good at asking if each other are ok when they are stopped but the reality is that most don’t actually stop to help each other (it’s the thought that counts I suppose). We shouted to him and asked if he was ok, he wasn’t. Apparently, as he was shifting something had gone terribly wrong and his rear derailleur bent in. This was the kind of issue that was a ride ending one… I couldn’t even imagine how he felt as he shouted back that there were only 4 miles left and that it couldn’t end this way. I couldn’t stop to help because, honestly, if I did then I may not have been able to will my legs to finish. Steve told me to go on as he stopped to try and help. The man even tried to convince people in the passing SAG that someone should lend him a bike to finish; even I knew that one wasn’t going to fly. Steve quickly caught up to me and told me that he hadn’t been able to help and that he wasn’t sure what the man planned to do. So, we rode on…
The 2 mile portion between the last two rest stops was also another very challenging part for me. There is another very steep climb that tested my body’s limits. The soreness was ever present and my muscles felt as if they were literally shredding under my skin. Everything hurt and things started to seize up. I remember that we were going so incredibly slow that I wasn’t sure we would ever make it to the next stop. I also remember that, because we were going so slowly, it was very hard to maintain balance and continue in a straight line so I was kind of riding in more of an ‘s’ type path. There was one point where tears were falling because I was hurting so bad that I looked over and realized that there was no barrier between me and the cliff straight down and I began to think that because I had so little control over going in a straight line that there was a good chance my arms would twitch and I would go right over the edge. What sticks out is how undisturbing the thought was at that very moment. I was so tired and in so much emotional/physical pain that it was almost a welcomed idea at that point. I thought about how it would at least be a glorious way to go. I was able to snap myself out of that thinking, keep pumping my legs, and keep repeating “breathe in confidence, breathe out doubt.” I kept reaching out to my angels and praying. Steve and I were in sort of a dance with our body builder looking friend who would ride for a while and then walk for a bit and then ride and so on and so forth. I kept thinking that he was doing it and so were we and that, no matter the cost; we would all finish this journey.
We reached the rest stop at mile 101 and I had to sit, actually I had to lie down. The volunteers were nice and very encouraging people that were willing to tend to our every need. They cheered for us as we came in and made sure we were cared for. One of the volunteers gave me ibuprofen and I proceeded to find a spot in the grass to lie down in. I was hurting and cramping and cold and wet and miserable and strangely happy and sad and lots of other emotions too. We had 2 more miles and we would finally reach the finish line. I remember taking off one shoe and one sock in a desperate attempt to decide if I should forego the soaked socks and hope that my well ventilated tri-shoes would dry my feet. I had the silly discussion with Steve and even our body builder looking friend whom had arrived at the stop. I decided, finally, to leave them on mostly because I lacked the strength to take the other off too. I also noticed that another older gentleman who I had talked to about not quitting at the rest stop at mile 93 rolled into the rest area. He had kept going too, unwilling to give up on his journey despite how hard it had become. Yet another older gentleman who I had chatted with at other stops earlier talked to me about the terrible weather conditions and all the other times he had completed the ride which had been so much easier. We talked about this being my first century and he looked at me with a very surprised look on his face stating, “well, you sure picked a great one to do as your first, this is by far the hardest century ride in the country.” (Oh my God, didn’t I know that by now!) We chatted about all the people that quit at mile 93 and how the weather had probably taken its toll on them. I responded with “I guess if this was easy than everybody would do it.”
The final 2 miles of my journey are hard for me to remember as well but I know that they were no piece of cake. I remember looking ahead and seeing the trucks that were transporting the bikes back down the mountain and getting super excited that the end was around the next bend only to have my hopes dashed when Steve told me that the end wasn’t there. I know that I dug deep at the end because I hurt, A LOT. I remember coming around the final curve and seeing the finish line and having a rush of emotions hit me at once. We had made it… Steve and I and Jimmy and everyone that had accompanied me along the way had made it to the end. I remember looking down at Jimmy and the tears welling up in my eyes as I crossed the finish line in 11:08:05 with strangers cheering for us, Steve’s dad videotaping us, and his mother cheering almost uncontrollably at the sight of us making it. I started to break down, I could no longer hold all my emotions in and I started crying. I tried to hold on and not let go of my sanity completely but I couldn’t hold it all in.
Immediately when you cross the finish line, the volunteers come to take your bike from you so that you won’t be the idiot that tries to ride back down the mountain. (They also shove a medal and ride patch in your face while they are trying to snatch your bike away, probably to distract you from what they are doing. Lol!) I kept telling the volunteers to hold on and they kept assuring me that I could take my time. I had to get the Valentine’s card off the bike because I needed Jimmy to come with me for the final part of the journey. They patiently waited as I fumbled around trying to pull the tape from around the card continuously telling me to take as long as I needed. I wondered why they didn’t help me get it off but I suppose that they could see what it said and knew that it was probably something that I needed to take care of. My fingers were ice cold and it took me seemingly forever to peel the tape away. I finally got it off and the tears began to flow a little harder. I gave Steve and his mother and father hugs to celebrate what we had just accomplished and we moved to the overlook where we would take pictures to signify what we had finished.
The fog, the rain, and the clouds ensured that the view from the top was much less than majestic for our pictures. Honestly, it didn’t even matter. We took our pictures together and separate, all smiles and full of pride. I had accomplished something that I wasn’t sure that I would ever do a year ago.
That feeling of accomplishment became bittersweet when I took the next set of pictures. I taped Jimmy’s card to the sign on the overlook and took pictures of it. This ride, after all, was dedicated to his memory and we had made it up this mountain together. The process came with a lot of prayer and reflection. I was acutely aware that he was not there in physical form and that hurt in a place of my soul that I can’t begin to describe. I forgot that I was cold and wet and I lingered at the overlook, unwilling or unable to walk away. I felt as if, when I walked away, it would all be over and that everything I worked for would end with that final change of clothing and that bus ride down the mountain. I knew that I couldn’t stay no matter how bad I wanted to so I got my warm, dry clothes and made my way towards the “changing room” (really it was a large port-o-potty). I began to change and simultaneously began to weep uncontrollably. I had fought so hard to finish and I used every bit of my being to will myself up to the top of the mountain. I wept because I was so happy and I wept because I was so incredibly sad. My mind was tired and that meant that it moved to thinking about what the ride had come to mean for me. I wept because I knew that if Jimmy were alive he would’ve made the trip to see me cross the finish line. I wept for his promising life that had been lost and the effect it had on people that I had grown to love and care for. I wept because I had worked so hard to get to that point and it had become so important to me that I didn’t want it to end because I was unsure of what I was going to work towards next that had the potential to give me the fire and drive that this goal had given me. But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end so it was time to stop crying and get on the bus towards a warm meal.
One might assume that this is where the story ends but… it’s not! A good story really ends with meeting new awesome people and celebrating your accomplishment!! We got on the bus for what would be a SUPER long ride back to the Marion stop. It felt like it took forever for us to start moving and I was getting sleepy. I knew I couldn’t fall asleep because I had talked a big game about having shots after the ride and if I fell asleep, it was over for me. Instead of allowing sleep to overtake me, I started to look around to see who was on the bus with us and I was overjoyed to see our body builder looking friend, the older man that had talked about quitting, and even the guy that had been sitting on the side of the road was there. They had all finished, none had given in and quit. Our body builder looking friend continued to alternate between riding and walking for the remainder of the ride and the man from the side of the road (who we learned later was Philipino) walked the entire final 4 miles until he crossed the finish line. Walking in cycling shoes is no easy feat so they are definitely winners in my book!! But, they weren’t the stars of our ride down the mountain, the fantastic crew from Indiana were. I mostly eavesdropped on their hilarious conversation but also engaged in some. I came to find out after the ride that they are part of a group in Indiana called Cure Chasers. They had me laughing most of the way down with their funny back and forth banter between each other and with their stories of the ride, other rides they had done, and their “normal” rides back home. The highlight of the bus ride has to go to my weary mind, however… There were two older (older than me anyways) men on the bus and they clearly were not doing so good and were clearly going to be sick. All of a sudden there was what seeming like a very loud crashing noise in the bus (ok, so it might not have been that loud but it sure seemed that way at the time) and we all kind of looked around wondering aloud what it might have been. I exclaimed that maybe it had been another rockslide but, nope… it happened again and then we realized that it was in fact one of the men throwing up into a trash bag. As stupid as my exclamation may have been, it brought with it many more laughs for the rest of the ride. I am thankful that, upon everyone opening the bus windows to release the throw up stench from the air, one of my new friends was gracious enough to give me his plastic blanket to keep me warm since I had chosen shorts for my dry clothes bag and had again begun trembling. Truth is, without them, I surely would’ve gotten lost in my thoughts and feelings and probably begun to cry again. They made my heart smile and laugh, something I will be forever grateful for.
We made it to Marion, ate a nice hot meal, and hopped in the car for the rest of the ride back to Spartanburg where we would pick up our bikes. I was able to stay awake for all but the last 15 minutes of the trip but quickly awakened when we got to Spartanburg. We retrieved our bikes after a little more adversity concerning my bike (of course) and made our way back to the hotel where I continued to remind Steve about our “shots, shots, shots!” He was taking entirely too long so I threw on my medal (yes, my medal) and made my way to the bar. Shortly thereafter, Steve joined me and we made sure to have our “shots, shots, shots!” We discussed potential rides in the future and took a drunken walk to Krispy Kreme for some late night donuts but apparently they aren’t 24 hours and promptly told us (when we WALKED up to the drive-thru) that we needed to be in a car to be served. Clearly, the not nice woman inside DID NOT see the medal around my neck and did not understand why we desperately needed donuts. Needless to say, we did not get any donuts but we did have a super fun time stumbling back to the hotel and inside the lobby. (I even made him carry me up a couple steps which I think almost caused him to have a heart attack. Lol.)
All in all, this was a truly humbling, amazing, awe inspiring experience. I would not trade any of the adversity that we faced for an easier ride. Not only did it make for a MUCH more interesting blog post but it also made for a more triumphant journey. This ride taught me that I can truly do anything and accomplish anything that I put my heart, mind, and soul to. It was the perfect way to honor an amazing man that had been lost and it gave me another opportunity to be close to him. This ride also renewed my faith in God. It is not cliché when someone says, “if he brings you to it, he’ll bring you through it.” It is the truth and I am a believer. Without my amazing coach/friend/cycling husband pushing me and my prayer, faith, willpower, and sheer stubbornness I would not have finished this ride. Only 529 out of 731 cyclists that were registered actually finished the ride and I am very proud to be able to say that I am among those finishers. I am not sure what the future brings as far as cycling adventures but I can say that I am fairly certain that, while intoxicated, I agreed to come back and ride the 2016 Assault on Mt. Mitchell (after all, I didn’t get to have pictures with that great view so I need to do it at least one more time to have that). Who knows, you might even find Steve and I up at the 160 mile 2016 RAIN ride in Indiana!! The future is bright and full of promise and dreams! My adventures always hold the promise of plenty of adversity so stay tuned for whatever comes next!!
In 5 days I will be attempting the most difficult feat to date of my cycling “career,” to say that I am nervous would be the understatement of the year. Every day my coach texts me the countdown of how many days we have left to go but that countdown is already seared in my mind without the help of anyone else’s reminders. I have trained for this day and I believe that I am ready but the inner voice of doubt is still loud in my head. So many questions roll around in my head all day long… Have I trained enough? Could I have done more to prepare? Am I ready for a century ride when my longest ride thus far has only been 72 miles? Am I ready for the adversity that I will surely face in the grueling 103 mile ride that will make me climb over 10,000 vertical feet?
Deep down in my soul I know the answers to all of these questions. Yes. Yes to all of them. I surely could’ve trained more. I could’ve done more to prepare. But I can also say that, yes, I am ready to complete a century ride. And most importantly, YES, I am ready for the adversity that I will face on this ride. The truth is, life has prepared me for May 18, 2015. May 18, 2015 won’t be about my physical ability, it will be about my mental strength. I am physically willing and able to put my body through whatever it will take to finish the ride and stand atop Mt. Mitchell basking in the glory of the North Carolina valley below me with a once in a lifetime view of the beautiful world that God has created. Life has dealt me some blows along my 35+ years on this earth and I am still standing. I am still standing because there is more that I must do, more I must accomplish. There are things that I have experienced in my life that have brought me to my knees, broken me, and caused me to question my own existence…
These experiences are the reason and the purpose for why I ride as I do. Some people think I am crazy for what I do, others think it’s amazing, others just simply don’t get it. I honestly don’t get it either sometimes, there is just something within me that tells me to keep riding, to keep going. Even when all I want to do is stop and rest, I keep going. I often think about why it is that I do what I do and what I keep coming up with is that this is my way of exercising control over a crazy world in which I truly have little to no control. I have experienced so much unnecessary/unwanted pain at the hands of others or at the hands of life in general and this… THIS is the pain that I hand myself. This is me beating life to the punch, me kicking life in the teeth, me taking life by the reigns… I know that my life can be compared to the lives of others and, chances are, I haven’t suffered as much adversity as some others have. In fact, I see that every day in the eyes of the kids that I work with. Thing is, I can only live my truth. I can only feel what my life has dealt me and the things I have experienced, most in recent years, have hurt like hell. I have learned to smile through the pain of life. I have learned to ride through my emotional pain and to transform it into a sort of physical goodness. I can handle soreness because the physical pain reminds me that I am alive; it reminds me of what I have accomplished thus far in my life.
So… in 5 days, I will ride. I will mount my bike and I will put my entire physical being through grueling agony so that I can feel alive, so that I can hurt a little less emotionally. I ride for the people that I have loved and lost. I ride for those that have hurt me. I ride for those whom I have hurt. I ride for the countless adults/children/families that I have tried to help in my career and the many yet to come. I ride for the opportunities that I have missed out on in life. I ride to make my kids proud of whom their mother is, to show them that there is nothing impossible in the world. I ride to feel whole. I ride to feel at peace. I ride to feel as one with the universe. I ride to feel close to God. I ride for the people I will forever grieve: the child that I miscarried, my grandparents, my greataunt, my aunts, my uncles, my Vanessa. I ride for all the people that grieve these same people and grieve other lost loved ones. I ride for people who have yet to know the depths or true grief so that, when that day comes, they may be able to overcome the pain and sorrow that comes with losing someone you love. I dedicate this ride to Jimmy, may his soul rest in peace to never again know the pain that caused him to leave this earth so early. I ride for the people deeply affected by his loss in hopes that they will once again know peace and joy in their hearts.
No matter what I ride for, doubt will always be an unwelcome visitor in my mind. I continue to remind myself that “Fear is a Liar” and that my stubbornness will always prevail. I try to not leave room for doubt because when you give doubt an inch, it will surely take a mile. This ride will test every ounce of me and I am confident that I will come out a victor. To me, there is no other option. I will not allow fear, doubt, or the clock to beat me out of what is rightfully mine. Failure is not an option because I don’t fail. Over the next 5 days and throughout the entire 103 mile journey, I will visualize myself atop the highest peak east of the Mississippi. No matter how long it takes, no matter what aches along the way, on May 18, 2015 I will stand atop Mt. Mitchell enjoying the beautiful view below. I will stand next to my coach and bask in what will surely be one of my greatest accomplishments thus far. Just wait and see!
Check out the Assault on Mt. Mitchell webpage here:
“This is the core of the human spirit… If we can find something to live for—if we can find some meaning to put at the center of our lives—even the worst kind of suffering becomes bearable.” Viktor Frankl
I believe that to understand my love and passion for cycling you must know the origin of its birth…
I have always been awestruck by the idea of being an Ironman (a feat that I am sure I will accomplish one day). After all, the title brings with it such a strength and dignity. However, I knew there would be no way to start there given my intense fear of drowning. In November 2011, I jokingly told a friend that I wanted to do a triathlon expecting her to tell me how crazy I was for wanting to do one. Instead, she offered to join me in my quest given that she had already trained for a triathlon and believed that she knew what we needed to do.
And so that quest began… We chose the Marineland Triathlon being held April 2012 and created a training plan that included lifting, swimming, running, and riding. I trained for it with a friend’s mountain bike which was actually pretty miserable and did not leave me with the desire of becoming a passionate cyclist. The thing is, I am a pretty stubborn person and, in my stubbornness, I refused to do the tri using a mountain bike. I, in turn, set out to find a road bike because it seemed like a superb idea and I didn’t have anything better to waste my money on at the time. After a few weeks of looking and a little help from some friends, I found my bike. I didn’t research it much and, had I done so, I may have spent a little more for a much better bike. Time was running out and, honestly, the bike I found was a shade of blue that spoke to me and I knew that it was meant to be mine. But, I digress… A couple weeks after I bought my bike, I did that triathlon and I loved every moment of every excruciating minute of that journey.
Most would assume that this is where my love for cycling began but, it is not. Following my triathlon, I hung up my bike for nearly a year because I was focused on work and on being madly in love. In July 2013, I went through a horrendous break up… The kind of break up that brings you to your knees and rakes your very being across hot coals. I was broken… My mind, body, heart, and my soul were all very, very broken. It was the kind of brokenness that you swear you will never heal from because you just can’t remember what it was like to NOT feel broken… My self-confidence had been stolen from me, or rather; I had chosen to give my self-confidence away (wrapped up like a present with a pretty bow on top too). I had alienated a lot of the people in my life that had meant the most to me because I thought that the love I felt could conquer all and that it was the place that I needed to be. I was wrong but as they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” The loneliness and sadness that I felt on a daily basis was unmatched by any feelings that I had ever felt before. I felt as if I was trapped in a dark room 24 hours a day, I was essentially going through the motions of life.
The suggestion that would ultimately bring me to a place where I would begin to heal came from a very unlikely source… A source that, in his own right, had caused a lot of broken feelings of his own within me… My ex-husband. My brokenness at the time had the powerful side effect of bringing us closer as human beings sharing the Earth; one could say that it brought us together as friends. I am not sure that even he knows the power that his simple suggestion had on my life. He simply encouraged me to get up and start doing something physical, whatever it might be. He told me that it might be about time to use my bike and go for a ride. I had no better solution so I rode… My first ride I went on was a 15 mile ride and the rest from that point on is history…
Something happened on that ride and on every subsequent ride thereafter. It was as if the time that I spent on my bike was free from the dark shadow that had begun clouding every facet of my life after my break up. I began to crave that light, that freedom, that happiness, that ability to breathe, that sense of accomplishment, that sense of self-confidence… I didn’t feel small while I was riding, I felt powerful beyond belief. I felt as if I could conquer anything. Riding fixed my brokenness, it awakened my soul… Riding made me feel whole again. Riding opened my mind to the idea of forgiveness, to the idea of letting go… There is something about being alone with my bike and the road that brings about a sense of togetherness. There is no crazy world invading my every thought, no phone to attend to, no work to do, no one pulling me in a multitude of directions, there is only me and my thoughts. I am quite ADHD in real life but while I am riding, my thoughts are focused and succinct. I have deep conversations with myself about issues I am facing, about my hopes, about my dreams, about God, about life, about the people I care about, and, often times, about nothing at all.
I have never been a solitary creature; I thrive in the company of others. I acknowledge that a lot of that was because I feared being alone and in silence. Riding changed that… I look forward to my alone time, sometimes hours on end of solitude. I have learned the power of silence and learned about the healing that can take place when one learns to be silent. There are many instances where I will be well into a ride and realize that I have thought about nothing at all and that I have spent all that time lost in the nature and the road around me. I am a firm believer in the saying that “there is nothing that a good bike ride can’t fix.” I am pretty certain, at times, that given the chance I could solve the world’s most difficult issues while out riding my bike. Unfortunately, my ADHD causes me to forget all those amazing solutions as soon as I step back into reality… We do, after all, all have an Achilles heel to contend with.
My bike may not be the best but it is mine. It is my 3rd baby and it understands me more than any human being ever will. It works just as hard as I do, it doesn’t push me when I can’t go, it gives me everything that I put into it, it is where I go when I need to feel free. I think that it would be fair and safe to say that my bike has saved my life and my sanity. Cycling has helped me heal, grow, challenge myself, dream bigger dreams, be a happier person, become a better mother, and become a better friend. It has given me a refuge when the world seemed to be crashing down, when nothing around me made sense. It gave me a safe place to cry, a safe place to “be.”
I am a cyclist. I may not be the fastest, the strongest, or the best climber but I am a cyclist nonetheless. I continue to expand my cycling goals because when people tell me that I can’t, when I tell myself that I can’t, I have to prove that, in fact, I can and I will.
“You can accomplish anything you wish that is not contradictory to the laws of God or man, providing you are willing to pay a price.”