Tag Archives: love

Wide Open

I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.”~Terri Guillemets

There is a large part of the population that subscribes to the notion that “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”

I call BULLSHIT.

Actually, I call COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT.

I mean seriously? Do people really believe this?

When you are in the throes of having had your world railroaded by some jackass that “just wanted to sleep around” instead of having to adult, does this notion bring you comfort?

When someone you believe you knew becomes someone so foreign to you that you can’t even fathom WTF happened to create such a 180 degree turnabout, are you still glad that you got to love the real/fake them?

Do you tell yourself, “Well, at least I got to experience all that love n stuff.”

Hell no. You curse them to hell and back again and then back and forth 20 more times. We don’t think about the lesson the heartbreak has taught us or how we are going to spring forward into a “new and more wonderful you.”

We cry. We scream. We curse. We tell them where to stick it. We try to understand the un-understandable. We beg for God to erase the memories (good and bad) that are flooding our memory banks and making it hard for us to function as productive humans. We question ourselves. We question the other person. We blame anyone and everyone (including ourselves) that we can possibly think to put blame on. We feel weak. We feel inadequate. We lean into the feelings even when they bring us to our knees in the shower. We lean into all the people that love us that want to hold us up. We fall. We get up. We repeat the fall/get up process 26,783,470 times. We slip into a pit of quicksand with a never ending reel of negativity circling through our brains. We fake like we are ok when we know good and damn well that we are not. We close ourselves off to the outside world so that people don’t see our weakness. We try to hide the new gashes that the failed love has caused to our hearts/minds/souls. We try to protect ourselves unable to remember how exactly to do that.

We are not thankful for the thing that broke us down, the thing that made us stumble, the thing that crushed us, the thing that shattered our world, the thing that crushed our spirit…

I am not thankful for the love that I just lost.

I want back the person that I was before I encountered that love. I want that woman who was happy, fulfilled, whole, floating on air, excited about life. And, yes, I would trade all the wonderful moments I experienced in this love to get her back. This new person I am right now is foreign to me, as foreign as the person I loved that I believed I knew. I am not thankful to have loved and lost, I would have rather never loved at all.

To love, to truly love another person, we open our hearts/minds/souls. We expend an incredible amount of energy to build something with another person. We create shared hopes and dreams. We make sacrifices to accommodate them into our worlds. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable with another person which in turn gives them the power to not live up to their end of the bargain. We know all this but we do it anyways because we want to believe that what we feel is real and powerful and won’t be taken for granted. But sometimes it is taken for granted… Sometimes it is not cherished… Sometimes it is not raised up in the glory that it should be…

The pain from love lost is, at times, unbearable.

I can honestly say that I am a lucky person because I have truly surrounded myself with such a fierce conglomerate of people that are there at the drop of a dime to remind me of who I am, lift me up, push me forward, make sure I keep moving even when all I want to do is lay down. They refuse to take no for an answer when I want to be left alone. They show up to my door. They lay silently in my bed simply holding my leg as I cry myself to sleep. They show up and force me to eat donuts and pizza and drink wine. They join in on cursing the jerk that put me in the position to feel this way. They tell me all the things that I should be able to hear to try to take away the pain even though it does not. They recount every good quality they can see in me. They remind me of all the things I have endured to make it to this moment in my life. They remind me that I have been torn down before and I rebuilt myself, bigger and better.

But sometimes… sometimes I just can’t hear it… The pain is too fresh, it is too loud.

You see, I know who I am. I know what I have lived through. I know what I have endured to become the woman I am today. I know that everything that has happened to me in my life has created the person that I am today. Every lost love that etched its hurt on my soul created this woman that I am now, this strong incredibly amazing woman.

But… I can’t see her right now. She is hidden under a blanket of hurt and pain and sorrow and grief. So much grief…

Even though those past experiences, specifically the lost loves, built this insanely determined, driven woman, I am not thankful that I loved and lost. I am thankful for the strength, for the growth, for the journey… But, I am not thankful to have loved any single one of those people that caused me pain by somehow trampling on my heart. If I could erase them without losing the growth, I would.

I know that some would disagree with me; I can own that my pain may cloud my view right now but this is my truth as I see it in this moment.

I know I will survive this setback and I can only hope that I will also thrive in the face of this pain. I have survived so much worse but, unfortunately, that does not lessen the pain that has currently grabbed ahold of my heart.

Now I wait for “time.”

Because time heals all…

Tick. Tock.

Tick tock goes the clock.

I keep waiting.

Watching the minute hand tick on by as tears trickle down my already soaked face.

I try to believe the adage that ‘time heals all.’ But again, I call BULLSHIT.

Time doesn’t heal all. Time dulls the pain. Time becomes the proverbial band aid that hides the pain. Time helps us to stand back up, dust ourselves off, and begin to function once again.

Time removes the rawness of the pain, lessens the sting, let’s us take a step back and look at it differently. That step back unclouded by the anguish is what gives us the new perspective, allows the growth and change to set in. THAT is what time does.

You see, the pain lives forever inside of us. We don’t always remember it, we don’t always feel it, we don’t always cry because of it, but it is ALWAYS there. Every once and a while something will happen that loosens the grip of the band aid and allows some of that pain to escape out and that is our reminder that the pain continues to live on within us, the pain is a continuous part of our story…

Pain is part of this chapter of my life right now but pain is NOT my story. Loss is NOT my story. Betrayal is NOT my story. Heartbreak is NOT my story.

I may not be able to feel it at this very moment but…
Strength IS my story.
Perseverance IS my story.
Determination IS my story.
Overcoming IS my story.
Confidence IS my story.
Fearlessness IS my story.
Growth IS my story.
Love IS my story.

I may be down but I am not out.

I just need a hot tiny minute to catch my breath and remember that I’m still alive and kicking…

“When those we love betray our trust,
We find the depth of human pain;
Oh, let me rise above these hurts
Until the sun shines, once again!”

~Gertrude Tooley Buckingham, “My Prayer”

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What is love?

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“You know you have found love when you can’t find your way back.” ~Robert Brault

Love is Specialized.

Love is rocket red.

Love is Dura-Ace.

Love is carbon everything; frame, fork, wheel set, ev-er-y-thing.’

Love is wind tunnel tested aerodynamics.

Love is a new saddle that my tush hasn’t gotten accustomed to yet so it’s always sore when I ride.

Love is so pretty that you don’t want to ever take your eyes off it.

Love whispers your name in your dreams and begs you to ride her.

Love is wanting to spend every waking moment riding the open road together.

Love is riding while watching the sunrise.

Love is riding into the sunset together.

Love is working in tandem to complete a goal.

Love makes you feel like you’re flying.

Love is freedom.

Love is adventure.

Love is fierce.

Love is peace.

Love is solitude.

Love is passion.

Love is cycling.

Love is life.

Love is a new bike.

I recently entered into a new relationship, not with a person but instead with my bike. We have an intense mutual understanding that cannot be found elsewhere. There is a give and take, but I cannot take more than I give. When my thoughts are at war with each other, my bike becomes my safe place. I get out on the open road and hash out just about anything with the hope and promise that peace will soon find me.

In November I decided that it was time to start bike shopping. I had an amount in mind that I was planning to spend but that got blown out of the water when I ‘fell in love at first ride.’ I toiled with the idea of spending the extra, considerable amount of money on the bike I fell in love with but I went back and forth with needing to be responsible and practical as well. I wanted so bad to close my eyes, throw shit to the wind, and dive in head first without thinking twice but I also had to act like a grown up…

Then in a stroke of odd luck, the stars aligned and for once the universe appeared to be on my side. By odd, I mean I was leaving the stability of the job that I had known for 6+ years but the change meant I would get some severance pay. Most would panic at this life change but I decided that panic had no place in my life and I would instead let life play itself out. I am a big believer in that ‘sometimes when good things fall apart, better things fall together’ (I probably killed that quote).

I made the decision to go forward and buy the bike I had fallen in love with, the beautiful fiery rocket red 2016 Specialized Venge Pro. I have not regretted this decision one bit since I brought her home.

We are still in the honeymoon phase, everything is bright and shiny and happy. I am working on learning her at the moment and trying to figure out exactly what she can do. She has a name, Princesa, which is perfect for her given her regal presence in her spot in the center of my house. She has already given me more than I could’ve hoped while helping me finish my most recent adventure, Ironman 70.3 Florida.

I am sure that we will have our differences and bad times, as most relationships do. But, I also know that with plenty of hard work and love, the relationship will grow and blossom into a thing of beauty. I look forward to countless more hours of being in her presence, to learning all her nuances, to many more adventures.

Life is an adventure and what is any adventure without true love to experience the adventure with?

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