Tag Archives: pain cave

The Journey to Becoming an IRONMAN

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“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

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I have wanted to complete an Ironman since the first time I saw the World Championship televised many years ago. I always felt that this goal was out of my reach and have had some failures along the way that would suggest that my theory is true. Luckily, or unluckily for me, I am a very stubborn woman. Last year, I completed my first marathon which was the final of many checkmarks in my mind towards my goal of completing an Ironman (Marathon ACHIEVED: Roses and Sunshine vs. Death and Destruction). I loosely researched some of the closer races and settled on Ironman Louisville (mostly because of the “easier” swim). I was all set to register when my hip injury from the marathon seemed to reappear, putting my plans to register on hold until I was medically cleared. By the time I was medically cleared, my doubt had started to flare up.

Nevertheless, on June 24, 2018, I pulled out my computer and registered. I did it during a fit of confidence knowing that, once I pushed the button to register, failure was no longer an option. We won’t discuss what happened when the realization of what I had done hit me a couple days later…

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Ironman is 90% mental and the other half physical.

Seventeen weeks into training, I am starting to believe that’s the truth. This journey has been full of countless hours in the pool, on the bike, out running, and even more hours lying in bed whining. I constantly post about my trials and tribulations on social media because social media has become the basis for my self-accountability. If I don’t post about workouts, people ask me about them and it keeps me in check and keeps me moving. But, social media also has me connected to people that are invested in my journey and are willing to lift me up when I can’t seem to lift myself up.

There are days that I am 100% sure I will finish the race…
… And there are days that it takes every ounce of my being to keep moving forward and I am 100% sure I will fail.

It is truly a constant back and forth in my brain and an even bigger back and forth in my heart. I have to check in with my “why” no less than 75 times a day. The mental and physical exhaustion I feel on a daily basis completely engulfs me and leaves me in a heap at times.

What is my why?

There is not just one why, there are many. I believe that the presence of multiple “whys” is purposeful in that, if one fails, another can pick up to fill its place. My whys are things that don’t require much brain power to remember so that, in those moments that my brain is scrambled, I won’t have to dig very deep for them.

My first “why” is a deeply personal one that is basic and super simple; I want to prove to myself that I can do this, that I AM AN IRONMAN. I have always been my biggest critic and my biggest doubter. The closer I get to the race, the more people ask how I’m feeling about it. My answer appears to be the same every time, “I know I have put in the work, so I am physically ready, but it will all be about how I handle my mental mess on race day.”

I have had tons of doubts coming into this journey, but as I have weaved my way through it, some of those doubts have fallen away. I truly wasn’t sure if I would be able to manage the training that comes with this journey in conjunction with life, work, and being a mom. Every day, I get up knowing exactly what needs to be done and I make a mental plan to accomplish it. This journey has taught me discipline that I wasn’t sure was something I was capable of, discipline that I know will be priceless on race day when things aren’t going right and all I want to do is give up. In those moments, I think about what brought me here and all that I have overcome on my way to that moment.

Another “why” is that I am doing this for those I have loved and lost that no longer walk this Earth. I have suffered deep losses throughout my life and I have turned those into driving forces to push me to be better. I think about my guardian angels often, but their memories often flood my mind and my heart when I am out there putting myself through intense suffering. I know that, at any given moment, they will be there for me to lean on.

The biggest and most important “why” is that I want to teach my children that ANYTHING is possible, as long as you put in the time and the effort. This journey is one of sacrifice and there is no one that feels it more than my two children. There are times that they want to do things or have wanted to go places and I can’t adjust my training schedule or I am just too tired to do it. They have been more than understanding of what I am trying to accomplish and the work that it will take to cross that finish line. They have been at my finish lines before and there is nothing like the joy that comes across their faces when they see me finish a big event. They are my biggest champions, my favorite spectators, and my reason to keep breathing.

As this journey is coming to a close, I am full of mixed emotions. My body is tired and just wants to sleep in late, to not have any more planned workouts, to ride easy for the sake of riding easy, to not do more intervals of any kind, and to just stop running for a week. But at the same time, this journey is teaching me about myself and what I am capable of. I am terrified of what happens the day after Ironman when there are no more workouts and no carrot hanging out in front of me anymore…

I have a little over three weeks until race day and I plan to cherish every workout, each moment of exhaustion, ache, and pain. All of the “suffering” I have endured with my friends has brought me infinity closer to them. They are a part of this and they are a HUGE part of my “why”… I will think about the mornings that I didn’t want to swim but went to the pool anyways. I will think about how they pushed me to go faster and faster in that water even when I feared I was about to drown. I will think about all the long, slow miles they have run with me even on days they didn’t have to run. I will think about all the miles out on the bike in the hot Florida sun. I will think about the days they dropped me out there but still waited at different points to cheer me and push me to keep going further and further. I will think about how the best thing they did for me out there was drop me even though I hated it. I will think about all the phone calls and texts about endless Ironman tips. I will think about nutrition test days. I will think about the well wishes. I will think about the tough love. I will think about when they believed in me even when I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I will think about how they have helped me shatter my self-doubt. Most of all, I will think about their love because, without it, I would not be 17 weeks into this brutal training. I have not broken yet and you can be for damn sure that race day won’t break me either.

Ironman Louisville, I’m coming for you!

”She was powerful,
not because she wasn’t scared
but because she went on so strongly,
despite the fear.”
~ Atticus

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Hold my beer, …

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“It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.” ~ Sir Edmund Hillary

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As Sunday quickly approaches, I am left to ponder what the hell I have managed to get myself into yet again. After all, since the beginning of my cycling journey I haven’t been known for making the soundest decisions…

Here is the formal description of this Sunday’s Six Gap Century Ride:
“The Six Gap Century boasts many of the same roads and mountain climbs as the elite Tour de Georgia. The ultra­-challenging route takes you up and down six of the steepest climbs in the North Georgia Mountains. Elevations on the six gaps in this ride range from 1,400 feet to 3,460 feet. The toughest climb, Hogpen Gap, will challenge even the strongest riders, averaging a 7% grade for seven miles, with sections as steep as 15%.”


Let me give a little history lesson about some of this course… In 2014, Three Gap Fifty which consists of the first and last two “gaps” (climbs) of Six Gap Century was my very first organized ride EVER. Yes, a Miami girl decided that her first organized ride ever would be 58 miles with 6,385 vertical feet of climbing. If I may say so myself, it was NOT my smartest move ever…

Wolfpen Gap made me cry. I wanted to quit. I wanted to throw my bike off the mountain and never ride again.

But I did not quit.
I did not throw my bike off the mountain.
I did not even walk once.
But, had one more person told me that the rest stop was ‘right around the next turn’ I may have opted to get off my bike and throw them AND their bike off the mountain.

I finished Three Gap Fifty and it was amazing, glorious, and utterly painful all at the same time. That was the day that I truly fell in love with riding in the mountains.

There is something about the pain and suffering that goes along with riding in the mountains that I hate, love, and crave all at the same time. It is the epitome of entering the “pain cave” and “embracing the suck.” There is no way around it and the only way to go is up, one pedal stroke at a time. There is this funny swerving movement that starts to happen when going suuuuper sloooow up a steep incline… You can’t control it, it just happens. When stuck in that space you only have two options, keep pedaling or get off and walk. The problem with quitting and walking is the realization that you will have to walk the rest of the way up because there is absolutely no way to get back on your bike and get forward momentum again. So you just keep pedaling, one stroke after another, how ever you have to in order to keep moving. When one set of muscles starts to hurt, you simply start pulling up on your strokes until those muscles start hurting too and then you go back to pedaling like normal. You repeat the process over and over and over again until you reach the top.

It appears that I love to put myself through the wringer whenever possible. Despite, analyzing this fact to death, I have yet to figure out exactly why I do these things to myself.

I love a challenge.
I love the feeling of being on the edge of life and death.
I love proving the doubters (including myself) wrong.
I love the suffering.
I love giving everything I have and then digging deeper for a tiny bit more.
I love crossing the finish line.
I love the exhaustion and rush of emotions that comes afterwards.

Six Gap Century is a bucket list ride for me and I have been waiting three years to finally get to do it. (I even tried to convince my friend we should do it in 2014, thank God that he knew better than I did then.) Unfortunately, this has not been a banner year for me so far with all these injuries. I am not going into this ride having trained how I wanted/needed to. But, what I do know is that I am in 100% better shape now than when I did Three Gap Fifty, Assault on the Carolinas, and The Assault on Mt. Mitchell (read about my Mt. Mitchell ride here: The quest towards a century ride, REALIZED.). I also know that I have a bike that is lighter, faster, and better than the one I had back then. And, most importantly, I know the drive and determination that I carry inside me to be successful at the stupid things I challenge myself to.

What’s the saying? “If you’re going to be dumb then you better be tough.”

I am incredibly lucky that I am going to be able to do this ride with one of my favorite people and biggest inspirations, Caroline. She is, by far, my favorite training partner (sorry Zac). Caroline drives me to be better at everything that I do. I know that there will be moments where I will want to quit and may not be able to rely on my own brain/heart to push me forward so I am thankful that I will have her there to look over at and give me the “put on your big girl panties and suck it up” face.

Although I am nervous about how my foot and hip will hold up, I am beyond excited for the challenge that is ahead of me. I have been waiting for this day for so long and I am 100% sure that the climbs and descents will not disappoint. My main goal for Sunday is to soak up every single second of this experience no matter how difficult it gets.

I have written about visualization in some of my past posts and that is exactly what I have been doing the last few days, visualizing this experience and visualizing myself (in one piece) crossing that finish line.

And, let me tell ya… the end of this ride feels pretty damn sweet.

See everyone on the flipside!